It was the first time that I had such a clear dream about the feeling of the passing of life, and the feeling of near death and pain spread in the dream, which was a rare experience.
The beginning of the dream was very straightforward. I was browsing the web, and then I saw a website that offered assassination and suicide. At this time, I was very sad, and I seemed to have entered a very difficult stage. Similar to the state when I couldn't find a job and couldn't go out during the epidemic.
I simply placed the order, and the killer arrived as scheduled. He came to my house like a friend and said he would stay at my house for a while.
I said, no problem, please come in.
He was very tall, and I couldn't see his face clearly in the dream, but I felt that he was a man, a man with a strong figure, and the kind of kindness exuding from him was completely different from the cold killer I imagined. harmony.
So he stayed at my house, and I lived as usual, but soon, the pressure of life broke me down again.
We communicated in English the whole time, because he is a foreigner, he said he could speak Chinese, but I insisted on speaking in English.
I don't remember exactly why I collapsed in the dream. In short, I was holding a newspaper and yelling at the phone, which may look completely hysterical to some people.
After the phone call, I had an argument with the killer. I have forgotten the details, but it was probably some trivial matter.
But what breaks my spirits is often really just a straw as light as a feather. The phone call that made me emotionally broken earlier seemed to be related to family, which made me feel very hopeless. I didn't have a strong desire to survive. My birth was forced, used, or it happened with my mother's unwillingness and helpless love.
I said to the killer, it's ok, let's do it now.(The dream didn't say it directly, but I remembered in my dream that only when she said she decided to commit suicide can she do it)
He stood on the small balcony to relax, looking at the dead leaves flying outside, as if he knew that I was going to do this.
He was sitting on my bed, and I just noticed that he was wearing all black today. He patted his thigh and motioned for me to sit up.
I sat down as instructed and leaned against him, it was very warm, as warm as being curled up in a quilt.
With one arm around me, and with the other, he was clearly preparing to take my life in a split second.
The cold dagger was attached to my neck, and I glanced at it. It was a dagger carved with intricate patterns, probably from the Art Deco period, and it was very beautiful.
I knew I was going to die, and my eyes were looking elsewhere, at my legs, or at the clean cotton sheets.
He slowly cut off my neck, and I felt the pain when the skin was cut open, spreading from the wound to the whole body.
It was difficult to breathe, the smell of rust and the unspeakable warmth wrapped me up, this kind of warmth made me fascinated and frightened, whether it was suicide or copulation, it was hard to say.
Because a kind of joy has already appeared in my heart, which is close to the "ecstasy" in philosophical theory, such a state of ecstasy.
His heart was beating powerfully behind my back, and all my strength was gone, and I felt like I was sinking, as if I was going to sink into some abyss.
He's warm, why kill me slowly? It's like watching the withering of life, a flower blooms and withers.
I was crying uncontrollably and he put the knife down to check on me, I was bleeding and there was blood all over the sheets.
I said, I have no desire to live, and death is the only sure thing, but why did I give up... I still haven't finished what I should do.
He was silent and just helped me with the wound on my neck.
After wrapping up the bandages, I chatted with him. In fact, he has seen many people like me who repent and do not want to commit suicide. Similarly, he has also seen many people who are determined to end their lives.
The two are not contradictory, it is just a choice, he said slowly, I think, you may want to feel what "death" always feels like.
I'm a person with so much filth on my hands that I can't remember what it was like. For me, "death" has been watched and risked hundreds of times, it is the same as eating and sleeping.
I said, maybe that's how you feel about "death"...and that's fine too.
Yes, yes, you are right. He smiles.
Well, now that the commission has been terminated, it's time for me to go. He stood up, and I looked out the door. His family came to pick him up. I know, that's his family.
Well, I'll post the payment to your account in a moment. I got up and walked him to the door.
He walked out, and what seemed to be his uncle happily patted him on the shoulder and gave him a warm hug.
His uncle took one look at me and smiled at me, and I smiled back at him. His uncle had pale green eyes like ice-green beads, an Italian or Spanish face, and curly hair. Maybe he looks like that too. I thought for no reason.
He waved goodbye to me, and then walked up the slope with his family. The slight sound of maple leaves being crushed reached my ears, and I watched them shrink and disappear until they disappeared.
I said silently in my heart, goodbye.
Then I woke up suddenly from the dream, a sense of loss lingered in my heart, and an hour after waking up, I still clearly remembered the feeling of dying, the pain mixed with the curiosity of chaos to form a An unforgettable pleasure.
I think I may remember this dream for a long time.
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